Truth be told, I am not a fan of birthdays. My own in particular. I don't know if it's the history of freezing cold, somebody's always puking, holy shit a blizzard!, Chicago/Boston/NYC in the dead winter birthdays past or the reality that my Big Day happens to coincide with the arrival of tax forms and Christmas-splurge credit card bills. If I were a betting woman, meaning if I had a risk-able dollar to my name, I'd wager that I'm just impossible to please and prone to wallowing. Whatever the reason, my birthday sucks ass cakes.
You know who's birthday was pretty f'in cool? Miley Cyrus' 16th birthday celebration at Disney World. That was the shit! I want that. Shut down the park, have a parade, sell commemorative t-shirts and coffee mugs, put on a fireworks display so awesomely sublime that the dudes who'll lose fingers in its execution won't even care that they'll never snap or effectively pick their nose again. I think she got a Benz, too. Or Hannah Montana did. Who cares? Whatever wig the bitch was wearing, she got German-crafted lovin' on 4 wheels. Me want that. I'll even settle for a yellow one, that's how humble I'm willing to be about it. Access Hollywood AND Entertainment Tonight AND TMZ AND Perz Hilton - they're all there to get their clips, their sound bytes. That's right, Billy Bush, ask my cousin Mary Groholski who she's wearing. Find out how Video One's interns snagged invites to such a swank bash. Perez, tell everybody I snorted coke off your fat gay ass throughout the soiree, and then be all like, "Or did I?" Wink wink.
Yeah, the more I think about it and how it'll all play out, the Who the Fuck is Shannon Ennis and Why Do I Give a Shit It's Her 35th Birthday? party at Disney World is a reasonable idea. Maybe we could to a charity tie-in or cross promotion or something for somebody hungry somewhere who hates their birthday, too.
posted by Shannon E. Ennis at