An Ode to Angie Harmon

Oh, Angie Harmon
Your parents done went and humped up a beauty
A princess from Texas
I thank God for you. God made you ‘da bomb!
When I look at you I ascend to the brighest heaven
Attraction in its purest form
A lot of blood flows to one place
Sweet Jesus Mary Mother of God

Angie, my dearest love, my affection for you obeys no rules
Knows no boundaries, adheres to no standards
I put up with a lot of shit for you
You’re a Republican
Nasty-yuck-ew-gross-hork
You even spoke at the RNC with your pretty girl husband
That ain’t cool, Angie
When you told me and women around the country flossing could prevent heart disease
I devotedly flossed for you
I watched Good Advice and Agent Cody Banks
Video Voyeur: The Susan Wilson Story, too
Those flicks were limp, babe
I’ll never have that time back

But when I gaze upon my angel
All is forgiven
I worship you
I want to help you pick better projects
I want to lead you toward the righteous, honorable Democrats
I want to christen you a sister of Sappho
I want to kick Jason’s femmy ass
I want us to go to the Vanity Fair post-Oscar bash arm-in-arm

Onyx hair so pristine it could be Asian
Your deep dark flawless eyes evoke trust and hotness
I could crawl into that cleft, those dimples
Your voice sounds like you’re choking on granola
If you are, don’t spit it up, it’s your trademark
I hear it when I sleep
Yo baby, are your legs real?
Wrap them around me
Twice

Come to my house and play Abbie Carmichael
Explain to me how disgusted you are by my crimes
Shame me. Be cold and with holding
Tell me how justice is served where you come from
Include the phrase, ‘Needle in your arm’
Now, “punish” me, but first I’ll time how long it takes us to get naked

This is a great script. And it’s all for you, Angie.