'COPS' Across the Street

I love my neighborhood.

This morning, I was treated to the most fabulous live episode of 'COPS' ever. Across the street from me, this huge bald dude (not sure of his ethnicity, definitely some strain of Hispanic or Latin) shouting "AND I STILL LOVE YOU!" over and over and over again. I peeked out the window to get a look at what was going on and I could see a full-bodied 'Mommy' listening to him, stone-faced, hands on her hips. He went on repeating "AND I STILL LOVE YOU," as he listed a bunch of different qualifiers, one of which had to do with her getting fat. Good to know that despite a thicking waistline he was prepared to stand by his woman.

Things got really interesting when our Romeo noticed some other guy further down the street. He immediately began yelling for this guy to stay put. Let's call him Yellow Shirt. Yellow Shirt kept coming down the street toward Romeo, little by little, taunting him. It was at this point that I realized a throw-down might be on the horizon. Yeah! A fist fight before 8 a.m.! Brooklyn in the hizzouse! My enthusiasn was jacked-up when I saw that Romeo had some kind of stick in his right hand. Oooh, weapons, just like the "Beat It" video! Then I noticed yet another Mommy with Yellow Shirt who, while Romeo shouted, "Come on! Bring it!," tried to hold Yellow Shirt back. Fat Mommy was trying to hold Romeo back at the same time. It was exactly like the strong man contests on ESPN. Both these dudes were literally pulling this dead weight as they lunged toward each other. But the Mommy's plans worked. They kept the guys from "engaging." (I was destroyed, crestfallen. Not even one punch or slap? I mean, I ride the subway like a dork and sit at a desk all day. The least they could do was knock the crap out of each other for a few minutes out of sympathy.) So, at this point Romeo renews his shouting, "You think you're strong like that?" Awesome. The police show up and a blond girl cop who's no larger than I am gets out of her cruiser and attempts to calm the situation. Hah hah hah hah hah! Right. You go Angie Dickenson! Fortunately, Pepper had a partner, a big dumb bo-hunk. Not that she couldn't handle herself alone, but it helps to have a bo-hunk there just to clean up the carnage. They quickly assess the situation and there's LOTS of shouting now. Yellow Shirt's baby Momma is the loudest, tho, and is most upset. "You're gonna have him arrrested? He didn't do nuthin'! You're gonna arrest him now? This ain't your show!" I don't know what she meant by that, but I've decided that I will endeavor to say, "This ain't your show!" whenever I can.

O.K. By now there's a crowd, and a third baby Momma comes out of the apartment building and she's lecutring baby Momma number two (Mrs. Yellow Shirt) about how she was gonna press charges, too. She mentioned knowing that this would happen, and she pointed at Yellow Shirt, who was leaning on the police car. Shaking her finger, she was all, "Because you know you can't stay here. You know that."

While I hated to, I had to get dressed or risk a lecture on punctuality. And the action seemed to be dying down anyway. I wasn't going to miss anything. But UGH! No hitting!?! Boo! On my way downstairs I ran into 2 of my housemates, and I asked them how they liked the live episode of COPS. "AND I STILL LOVE YOU!," one of them yelled. To which I responded, "This ain't your show!" Funny that the scuffle allowed us to bond. I giggled all the way outside, and when I emerged, Romeo walked right past me. He didn't look so big up close, and he had one of those faces your Grandma would call honest. He might as well have been Madonna or Elvis, considering the way I gawked at him. Wow. Romeo up close. Would he still love me?

As I walked toward the subway, I rubber-necked because all of The Players were still gathered. I wanted them to take a bow so I could clap and let them know how much fun I had. But by far, the very coolest thing about this scene is that directly next to my house, there's a church. And every Spring, the church plays host to youth groups...from the South. Every 2 weeks about 50 of them hop off a bus to praise the Lord in New York City. (It's great b/c there's always a free BBQ. Their politics--and I'm assuming here--disgust me but, heck, I'll eat a cheeseburger with Nosferatu if it's free.) These kids are all Freshman or Sophmore age Bible lovers. When I walk past them, they smile like only those who love Jesus can, and they say things like, "Howdy." They're really sweet kids, and I feel bad for them stuck in Park Slope without a clue. Walking past the church I summoned up a mental picture of 50 boys and girls, mouths agape (some w/ retainers) in their P.J.s huddled around the street level basement windows. This was totally their show. Rated R for language.