My Country 'Tis What I Say It 'Tis

Following is a snarky essay that I performed last night at Juvie Hall. The show's theme was Patriotism. What I came up with was too much of a think piece with too few crotch jokes. I wanted it to be philosophical stand-up. But I just sat down and kinda read it. Either it went over like a lead balloon or there really were just 12 ppl. there. I hope it’s better suited for blog land...

Patriotism is defined as ‘love of and devotion to one’s country.’ Therefore anyone can be a potential patriot. Foreigners, too. Please note that I will only cover American patriotism. I am not qualified to speak about patriotism outside the United States as I don’t live in, love or give a crap about China, Brazil, Atlantis, Rome, Bjork, the U.S.S.R, French wussy faggots, Spics or black African people.

Pay attention as I disclose my identity and marginalize myself: I have blond hair and blue eyes. I am 5 feet tall or 5 feet near-midget, depending on whether or not you’d like a swift kick in the shins. Now I need to add temperamental, violent and delusional. Then there’s cute, female, homosexual, Irish, Catholic (light with 5 sugars), sports fanatic, trivia whiz, crazy, grounded, obnoxious, humble, opinionated, compassionate, overly emotional, arrogant and lonely. Two more: alcoholic, bed-wetting liberal Democrat. Who doesn’t want to take me home for some sweaty, hot monkey sex?

Those are a lot of different labels, and many of them aren’t necessarily compatible. Fully assembled, they’re paradoxical. So I’ve spent 30 years--and $200 an hour--deconstructing each of them; their virtues, their inspiration, their rules, their limitations and their smell. I mean, c’mon, alcoholics smell. And Irish Catholic alcoholics reek of birth, whiskey, Doritos, wet dog, cigarettes, sex and death. Even God is like, “Ugh, what IS that? I created that? Jesus Christ!”

I’ve discovered that the sole reason my labels get along as well as they do (i.e. Catholic homo) is a result of their complexity and, thankfully, adaptability. That doesn’t mean that they aren’t heartfelt and solid. (Crap! I forgot to mention stubborn!) So, to all these warring lobbies and factions, I toss in this nugget: I consider myself an American patriot. Who’s to say I’m not? The characteristics and principles inherent in the traits I listed may appear contradictory in theory, but in practice, they’re not at all. I wish this country----elephant and ass (donkey is a copout), left and right, the fly-over states and the good ones, the rich and the poor, the ugly and the me, but more importantly the stubborn, ill-advised, narrow minded, Lord-lovin’ President----would work harder to embrace complexity instead of splitting American politics into 2 immovable halves diametrically opposed to the other.

Examples of Paradox in American Patriotism:

• I oppose the war in Iraq, worry about the constitutionality of the Supreme Court and think Paul Revere was probably just drunk AND the 4th of July is my favorite holiday, one I am happy to share with anybody who’d like to join the party… as long as they are able to cite the Gettysburg Address and play that funky music. White boys only. Chicks and coloreds migrate elsewhere. Multi-culti freaks.
  
• I think it’s perfectly alright to burn the American flag. Set that puppy on fire! It’s not ‘a shameful act’, or ‘Wrong’ to do. And if some veterans are offended, they’re mistaken. The duty of the men and women of the armed services who put themselves in harm’s way is to protect and defend the freedoms of speech and expression entitled to every American. AND Flag-burners are just Americans exercising their freedoms. No one said freedom would always be palatable. It’s okay for me to be proud of My America and for you to be proud of Your America. Mine just happens to be a lot more fun and inclusive. Some uber-conservative Americans’ version of the good ole’ U.S.A. gives me angina, but I will celebrate our right to disagree and still manage to co-exist. P.S.—Southerners are dumb and inbred. Strom Thurmond is still alive, partying his gay ass of in Key West, and the religious right secretly worships Britney Spears’ hooters.
  
• I would never buy my kid, the one I'll buy from Romania, a toy gun AND I hope he or she grows to understand the value and truly appreciate the extraordinary role military technology has played throughout history. Guns are deadly, but they sure do come in handy when you’re kicking the pesky Indians on to the Trail of Tears! Good one, Andrew Jackson! You’re totally worthy of the face on the $20. Great hair, too, dude.
  
• Songs that make me cry: Aaron Copeland’s ‘Fanfare for the Common Man,’ John William’s theme for the Olympics, Neil Diamond singing about who’s ‘Coming To America.’ I can’t even keep my act together watching Jimmy Cagney in “Yankee Doodle Dandy!” AND I happen to know all the words to “Fuck the Police,” “For What It’s Worth,” “By the Time I get to Arizona” and “Bitch Betta Have My Money.” I sing along to every track on the “No Nukes” live album. Rage Against the Machine’s entire catalog is sitting comfortably in my CD collection as I speak. Public Enemy and Aaron Copeland on the same shelf, side by side. Ah, I can feel the warmth of my cockles.
  
• Standing up at a ballpark to sing the National Anthem with thousands of strangers gives me T.H.O. AND so does Angie Harmon’s Christian, Republican, hot ass.
  
• I pledge allegiance to 2 flags: one that’s Red White and Blue AND another that’s every color in the rainbow. The parade for the latter kicks ass. Imagine if you will a drag queen made up like Betsy Ross. How about that? She could carry either flag proudly.
  
• Mark Felt, who revealed himself to be the infamous “Deep Throat” is an American patriot. He risked his career to assist Woodward & Bernstein, American patriots in their own right, in cracking the story behind the Watergate break in, thus ensuring its place as the single most influential news item in history. AND It brought about the resignation of the sitting President at the time, forever changed the political climate, and gave birth to the concept of Modern Media.
  
• One more Watergate bit because it’s hot this week: Richard Nixon boldly abused the privileges granted to the Executive branch by the Constitution of the United States. He didn’t want the American people to know how far he’d stepped over the crisp, stark, finite line we call the Law. He was notoriously paranoid, evident when he had his cronies bust into a democratic campaign office because he seriously believed that McGovern could beat him! Nixon immeasurably disgraced the office of the President. AND he was a brilliant, gifted politician with an aptitude for greatness and a fascinating perspective on U.S./foreign relations. He and Kissinger would be on my list of top 10 desired dinner companions, living or dead. I regard Richard Nixon as a tragic figure, a crook, a power-mad conspiracy theorist AND an American patriot. Holy tricky Dick, Batman!
  
• Politicians throw catch phrases around as though they were just dwarf bowling. I frequently hear one side call the other ‘disloyal to this country.’ (Guess who?) You’re in deep shizzite if you dare express an opinion that conflicts with the policies of the current administration. Many have been shut out of the inner circle and dubbed, ‘unpatriotic’ or ‘un-American..’ Yo Rumsy, Condi, Dick, Johnny A. and Dubya, permission to speak freely? Allow me to be frank as I school you: There is no such thing as an un-American American.