Angie, Maddox, Zahara...and Shannon?

Though I'm slightly ashamed, I confess that this morning for about 15 minutes, I wished I was a newborn baby girl, an African child with no Mommy or Daddy because one or both of them died of AIDS. Pile that on to the heap of reasons I'll be spending eternity in HELL. Please read on and note that MY comments are in BLACK, the color of my compassion.

(Reuters) - Angelina Jolie is adopting a newborn Ethiopian girl orphaned by AIDS, People magazine reported on Tuesday. Ugh! Lucky.

Jolie, who has toured the world as goodwill ambassador for the United Nations' High Commissioner on Refugees, said the baby would be named Zahara Marley Jolie but would not reveal the child's age, height or weight, People said. Isn't that what everyone wants to know? "How tall is your Orphan, Ms. Jolie? Can you lift her on your own? Will her breasts get as big as yours?"

The magazine had no further information on the baby's health but said she had been left an orphan by AIDS. $10 says she's got a nasty diaper rash. Let's all chip in for some Desitin for the new Mommy.

Jolie, 30, told People that she and her son Maddox, 3, who she adopted from a Cambodian orphanage, were "very happy to have a new addition to our family." Arrangements for the adoption were expected to be completed Wednesday. Commenting further, Jolie said, "Orpans make great kids because they feel so lucky to get anything. I barely have to give them 2 square meals a day, and they're all 'Thank you, nice, hot, rich Mommy! Thank you!' And when they ask for more food, I pretend to get angry and they flinch. It's hysterical!"

"Angie's over the moon," a source close to the actress told People. "It's a dream come true. She's always wanted to extend her family." Um, haven't you ever seen or read an interview with her? She's always over the moon, dumbass.

Jolie has been romantically linked with Brad Pitt, her "Mr. & Mrs. Smith" co-star, but the source denied they were planning a family. Brad isn't involved in any family planning here. This guy wanted to breed with Jennifer Aniston. How is he gonna feel getting Father's Day cards from children who look like a walking Bennetton ad?

"Angelina's adopting as a single mother and she wants that emphasized," the source told People.
The twice-divorced Jolie has often talked of adopting a second child. After a trip to Ethiopia earlier this year, Jolie said of Maddox: "My son is in love with Africa, so he has been asking for an African brother or sister." They visited several camps. Sources close to Maddox say he bragged incessantly about how his Mom could just buy anyone he asked her to. I guess that's just how he rolls.

Maddox, dude, I'll bet if you visited Park Slope you'd love that, too. And it just so happens that your potential sister/Mommy #2, Shannon, is an indigenous Park Slopian lesbo. How about that for multi-culti? I don't want to beg, but I promise to always let you win at Untied Nations Chutes and Ladders. You can have my share of the rice anytime you want. Feel free to borrow my vast collection of Cambodian Classic AtmoRock CD's, including the hits "Come Here, O' Rouge" and "Who You Callin' Round Eye?" Lastly, from now until your 6th birthday, you'll be able to, and more than welcome to, wear my selection of size 5 shoes. Ever make the trek to the outdoor toilet in a pair of Ralph Lauren driving moccasins? I've never walked to a hole in the groud to empty my internal concession stand while wearing them, however, I have meandered through J Crew nodding my thanks for all the compliments. You and I will be great friends, and you can help me apply my sunblock! And I swear that I'll never beat you up except for when I really want to. Please put in a good word for me. I mean, just look what you did for that little 'fro girl. I am white enough to make your rainbow family glow.

Thanks, yo! Love the mohawk...
Shan