Deep Friday

As my mother would say, "Who died and made you Duke?" That question used to baffle me. But as I've gotten older and older, its relevance has manifested itself on a frequent basis. Naturally, I am willful and arrogant, and love to show everyone just how smart I think I am. Case in point, here's a quote I used to love to throw around, “One thing only I know, and that is that I know nothing.” How's that for humble? Profound, too. That Shannon, she's a deep thinker. Oh, would that it were true! I prefaced that quote with one of my own, "We may acquire knowledge, we may gain experience, we may even grow in wisdom, but what is that, really? Wasn't it Aristotle who said 'One thing...'?" Me Now has a more appropriate quote for Me Then: Nobody likes a know-it-all. Your time is gonna come.

Yup, I knew everything, and top of that, I didn't need anyone's help either. I refused to ask for help, and when it was offered, I'd rudely dismiss it altogether. My philosophy was...I do it myself or I don't do it at all. Luckily, though, I didn't struggle very much as a kid. I was self-sufficient, pretty bright, athletic and I was audacious as hell. I'd try anything once. Wihtout many obstacles (like fear) in my path, I learned how to win, how to compete, how success felt, how approval felt and it was so easy. I also basked in victory and the fulfilling feeling that pure talent provided me. It was great to be 'better than', to have capabilities superior to those of my peers, without effort.

In my youth, I was unafraid because I didn't experience failure. Little did I know that, without invitation or instruction, failure would introduce itself, set up shop and dig in. In direct proportion to my age, fear evolved into a boomerang . At least that's my experience. Despite throwing it away again and again, it whacked me upside the noggin everytime I think I'd gotten rid of it for good. I had no idea I was only on probation. This general principle may very well apply to most people. As our earthly journey progresses, we become afraid of that which we do not know. Fear is nurtured, not innate. Until we repeatedy suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, nothing succeeds like our naivite. But the slings and arrows eventually strike, so we instinctively lay down and play dead. Some of us stay too long, others are condemned for eternity. Safety can result in stagancy. We're convinced we suck and we cannot do better and we will not risk another wound. Best to just lay low.

Not knowing any better worked toward my advantage. Even the occassional fall didn't stop me from getting up and trying again without hesitation. These days, the challenge isn't just to dust myself off after a wipeout. Rather the diffifulty lies in maintaining healthy self respect. That's what makes me want to get up in the first place, having a reference, remembering that I can do it because I have done it before. My fear will always fight my ambition & optimism, to the death if necessary. So, I have to practice a few new skills, namely willingness to ask for and gracefully accept help, to get better at gracefully accepting everything from how much money I make (or don't) to the size of my apartment on down to whether or not I've got enough clean underwear to last the week. I must learn that humility isn't the absence of dignity, it's seeing my strengths and weakness equally. All is not black and all is not white. I've been told there's this middle ground where egos doen't run amok, where seldom is heard a self loathing word and sky is not cloudy all day. Oh yeah, the Middle! I saw it while swinging from High to Low and back again. I just didn't bother to stay. How fuckin' boring!

Thankfully, my fearless inner child isn't dead. Ironically, she is the voice of wisdom because she speaks the truth I knew at 10 but cannot seem to remember at 30. Basic faith. Everything will be O.K.