God This, God That, God Everything!

LAST NIGHT AT THE LATEST INSTALLMENT OF ‘STILL STANDING’ AT JUVIE HALL (9:30 PM TUESDAYS, YOU SHOULD REALLY GO), I PERFORMED THE FOLLOWING MATERIAL. ‘STILL STANDING’ IS AN EXPERIMENTAL SORT OF SHOW, AND THE COMEDIANS ARE GIVEN A TOPIC TO EXPLORE, HOPEFULLY RESULTING IN A FUNNY BIT OF 5 MINUTE STAND UP. IN MY CASE, IT’S A WEE LITTLE SOAP BOX. IF SOMEONE LAUGHS DURING MY TIRADE, GREAT. IF NOT, LICK MY BALLS.

MY BACKGROUND: IRISH CATHOLIC, RAISED IN THE MIDWEST. PRETTY TRADITIONAL FAMILY. NOT STRICT BUT DEVOTED TO STRUCTURE. ATTENDED CATHOLIC SCHOOL UNTIL I WAS A SOPHOMORE IN HIGH SCHOOL.

O.K. BITCHES, I’M GONNA FRY UP THE NICENE CREED FOR YOUR ASSES. CATHOLICS SAY THIS DURING EVERY MASS AS SOON AS THE PRIEST FINISHES HIS HOMILY. THERE IS NO CUE. NO ONE EVEN SAYS, ‘WAKE UP! TIME FOR THE CREED!’ WE’RE EXPECTED TO KNOW INSTINCTIVELY WHEN TO PROFESS THE FACTS OF OUR FAITH. I’VE BEEN GOING TO MASS SINCE I WAS A ZYGOTE AND I STILL DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO OR WHEN TO DO IT. I MIMIC. THIS ISN’T A PROBLEM FOR THE OTHER WORSHIPERS. THEY’RE WELL TRAINED. MAYBE I’D HAVE THAT KIND OF INTUITION IN MY SOUL IF I HAD ONE.

SO, THE BLACK THE TEXT IS THE CREED TALKIN’. AND THE RED IS ME SPEAKIN’ MY MIND, WHICH IS SOMETHING THAT CATHOLIC WOMEN ARE NEVER SUPPOSED TO DO. WE DO NOT SPEAK. WE SERVE, AND IT’S HARD TO TALK WHEN YOU’RE BUSY SERVING EVERYONE.

IN MY RELIGION, WOMEN ARE NUNS, OR TEACHERS IN THE PARISH SCHOOL MAKING $2.50 AN HOUR. WE ALSO WORK IN THE RECTORY COOKING FOR THE PASTOR. SURE, WE CAN’T BECOME A PRIEST BUT WE CAN FEED THEM OUR TUNA CASEROLE. (SMILE). AND, LIKE MARY HAD JESUS, WE CAN GIVE BIRTH. BUT DOCTRINE HANDED DOWN FROM GOD HIMSELF TO THE VATICAN INSISTS THAT WE CAN’T CHOOSE IF OR WHEN WE WANT TO. THAT'S A BUMMER. IN ADDITION, TO HAVE THE SEX NECESSARY TO MAKE THE BABIES, YOU MUST BE JOINED IN HOLY MATRIMONY TO ANOTHER CATHOLIC, ANOTHER CATHOLIC PERSON WHO'S A DIFFERENT GENDER THAN YOU. B/C GOD ALMIGHTY, YOU BETTER NOT GET IT ON WITH SOMEBODY WHO HAS IDENTITCAL PLUMBING! NO GREY AREA HERE, KIDS. TAKE IT FROM A SINNER. AS A LESBIAN, I’M NO LONGER WELCOMED TO RECEIVE COMMUNION. AS I SIT, RISE AND KNEEL DURING THE LITURGY, I’M PREPARED TO DIE SHOULD LIGHTENING STRIKE. POPES PAST AND PRESENT—IN MY LIFETIME, OLD JOHNNY 2 TO THE 3 AND BENEDICT BACKWARD— HAVE LED ME TO BELIVE THAT THE LIGHTENING SCENARIO ISN'T OUT OF THE QUESTION. I AM THE MODERN TOWER OF BABLE. MY, HOW ABOMINATION DOES KEEP A DYKE ON HER TOES!

SO, YEAH, BACK TO THE CREED….
We believe in one God, the Father, the Almighty, maker of heaven and earth, of all that is seen and unseen.
IN MY VERSION, THERE IS NO MENTION OF THE FATHER…NOT B/C I THINK GOD IS A WOMAN…BUT THE WORDS MOTHER AND FATHER EACH HAVE SPECIFIC CONNOTATIONS— THE FATHER IS STRONG BUT STERN, AUTHORITATIVE AND INTIMIDATING. WHEREAS MOTHER IS THE NURTURER, UNCONDITIONALLY LOVING, GENTLE AND WARM. BOTH MAKE ME FEEL SAFE, BUT IN ENTIRELY DIFFERENT WAYS. DAD WILL PROTECT, MOTHER WILL SHELTER. DAD WILL KICK YOUR ASS IF YOU FUCK UP. MOTHER TOLD HIM TO.

We believe in one Lord, Jesus Christ, the only Son of God, eternally begotten of the Father, God from God, Light from Light, true God from true God, begotten, not made, one in Being with the Father. Through him all things were made.

OK, SO GOD IS JESUS’ DADDY. COOL. BUT THE DISTINCTION BETWEEN ‘BEGOTTEN’ AND ‘MADE’ CANNOT BE GRASPED BY A 7 YEAR OLD WITH A.D.D. ALL THE CHARACTERS IN THE OLD TESTAMENT ARE BEGAT BY SEX, PHYSICAL PROCREATION. APPARENTLY, THOUGH, IN THE NEW TESTAMENT, HOLY SPIRITS CAN MAKE BABIES THROUGH OSMOSIS. A LIGHT SPRINKLING OF MAGIC CHRIST CHILD DUST IN THE PROXIMITY OF A PRESELECTED VIRGIN BLESSES THE FRUIT OF HER WOMB, JESUS.

YOU’RE GOING TO NEED A XANAX, SOME OPIATES AND A LAXATIVE IF YOU’RE CONSIDERING THE PHILOSOPHY BEHIND THE WHOLE ‘ONE IN BEING’ BIT. I HAD A SEIZURE.

WE MUST DRIVE HOME THE POINT THAT THERE’S ONE LORD, THE CATHOLIC ONE. THIS MAKES HIM THE ONLY, ONLY RIGHT ONE. EVERYONE ELSE’S LORD IS FAKE, WHICH MAKES THEIR RELIGION WRONG and STUPID…and GAY. WANNA KNOW WHO’S RELIGION REQUIRES THAT THEY ACKNOWLEDGE AND ACCEPT THE GOD OF THE CHRISTIANS AND THE GOD OF THE JEWS? THOSE AFFABLE MUSLIMS. AND WE GIVE THEM A HARD TIME!

For us men and our salvation he came down from heaven: by the power of the Holy Spirit he was born of the Virgin Mary, and became man.

BORN OF THE VIRGIN? PLEASE. HOW DID SHE GET AWAY WITH THAT BULLSHIT? CALL ME A DOUBTING THOMAS, BUT IF SHE WERE MY DAUGHTER, I WOULDN’T LET HER LIVE UNDER MY ROOF SPINNING YARN LIKE THAT, MAKING A FOOL OF ME. I COUDN’T TELL THE SCHOOL BOARD, “YES MY GIRL, MARY, IS THE VIRGIN MOTHER,” AND KEEP A STRAIGHT FACE.

For our sake he was crucified under Pontius Pilate; he suffered, died, and was buried.

ALSO FOR OUR SAKE, MEL GIBSON MADE THIS MOVIE WHERE YOU CAN SEE ALL THE SHIT THAT LEADS UP TO THE CRUCIFICTION. I’M TALKING, ‘HOLY MARY MOTHER OF…’ BLOOD AND GUTS!

IT WAS HARD TO HATE PONTIOUS PILATE FOR CRUCIFYING JESUS, HANGING HIM UP ON THE CROSS LIKE THAT. HOW COULD A GUY WITH SUCH A COOL NAME BE SUCH A DICK?

On the third day he rose again in fulfillment of the Scriptures; he ascended into heaven and is seated at the right hand of the Father. He will come again to judge the living and the dead, and his kingdom will have no end.

JESUS “I AM LIKE A BIRD” CHRIST FLIES UP TO HEAVEN IN AN ELEVATOR THAT WORKS LIKE WONDER WOMAN’S INVISIBLE JET AND HE SITS DOWN NEXT TO HIS DAD. ONCE JESUS GETS INTO THE SWING OF THINGS IN HEAVEN, HE HANGS OUT WITH GOD AND SAINT PETER AND JFK. THEY SIT WITH ALL YOUR MEAN, OLD, DEAD RELATIVES ON COULD 9, SIPPING MINT JULIPS, CLOSELY MONITORING YOUR EVERY MOVE. THEY CAN WATCH YOU MASTURBATE.

We believe in the Holy Spirit, the Lord, the giver of life, who proceeds from the Father and the Son. With the Father and the Son he is worshipped and glorified. He has spoken through the Prophets.

NO ONE GETS WHO THE HOLY SPIRIT IS, REALLY. GOOD THING HE’S THE ‘GHOST.’

We believe in one holy, Catholic and apostolic Church.

I DIDN’T PICK THIS CHURCH. I INHERITED IT, SAME AS MY SWEATY FEET AND ARMPITS, MY GIGANTIC FOREHEAD, HEART DISEASE, AND ALL THAT INVISIBLE MONEY.
P.S.--
DURING MY CONFIRMATION CEREMONY, WHERE THE BISHOP PRONOUNCED MY LAST NAME ‘ENIS’ LIKE ‘PENIS,’ I KIND OF PROMISED TO DEFEND THE MOLESTER PRIESTS, JUST A LITTLE, FOR THE SAKE OF P.R. WHILE THEY DENIED EVERYTHING AND TOOK COLLECTIONS FOR HUSH MONEY, I WAS OBLIGATED TO SUGGEST CONSPIRACY. THAT MADE ME AN ADULT IN THE EYES OF MY BRETHREN.

We acknowledge one baptism for the forgiveness of sins.

CATHOLICS BELIEVE YOU ENTER THIS WORLD A FILTHY, DIRTY, BAD, DEPLORABLE NEWBORN CHILD. SO THEY DUMP WATER ON YOUR HEAD TO REDEEM YOU, TO WELCOME YOU INTO THE FOLD AND SEE IF THEY CAN’T RINSE OFF A LITTLE ORIGINAL SIN.

MOST SINS ARE THOROUGHLY UNORIGINAL, BY THE WAY. MURDER, ADULTERY, FORNUCATION, HATE, SLOTH, VANITY. I AM YET TO FIND AN AUTHENTIC ORIGINAL SIN. UPON ARRIVING IN HELL, I WILL TURN TO MY NEIGHBOR AND ASK, “SO WHAT YOU DO TO GET IN HERE?” AND HOPE I HEAR SOMETHING NEW FOR ONCE. C’MON, SHOCK ME FOR ALL FIREY ENTERNITY.

MY SIN? SELF-LOATHING. BUT IT AIN’T ORIGINAL EITHER. I DIDN’T COME OUT OF MY MOMMY'S BELLY WITHOUT SELF ESTEEM. IT'S A HATEFUL ACQUISITION. MY FIRST WORDS WEREN’T “HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO WORK WITH THIS SHIT?”

We look for the resurrection of the dead, and the life of the world to come.

I USED TO STAY UP SOOOOOOOOOOOO LATE LOOKING FOR THE RESURRECTING DEAD. BUT MY MOM TOLD ME THAT A WATCHED POT NEVER BOLIS. I CAN CONFIDENTLY SAY THAT THE ONLY REASON I HAVE NO PROOF OF THIS RESURRECTION BUSINESS IS B/C, LIKE MOST OF MY LIFE, I SLEEP THROUGH IT.
AND UM, GOD? I’D LIKE MY LIFE IN THE WORLD TO COME….TO COME NOW.

Amen.


WHAT ELSE SHANNON?

1. Catholic kids can pray wicked fast. In school, everything we did that was cool or fun had to be prefaced by a prayer. Like, when we got out of school, we had to stack our chairs up on our desks and say a prayer when the bell rang. Ever hear 40 11-year olds set a record time chanting The Memorare? We broke the sound barrier.

2. Jews and Catholics will argrue about who’s got the worse case of The Guilts until the end of time. I think we’re equal, but our guilt manifests in unique ways. Think of the Catholic mother’s guilt as a badminton birdie in the air, lightly stuck and floating, almost as though you’re not sure where it’s gonna land. And you definitely didn’t hear it struck. It’s the best backhand in the Guilt game. “Well, Shannon, we just expected a little more from you.” See? No real criticism there. It’s merely suggested that I could have done better, not that I totally screwed the pooch. The Jewish mother is far more direct. She plays squash. She’s got this hard rubber ball and she’s whacking the life out of it and it noisily pounds wall after wall. She’ll tear you down and wear you out. “Oh, Shannon, come see your mother. I miss you. I’ve got gout. Who took care of your chicken pox and now you can’t be bothered? Don’t be gay, I got the number of a nice Doctor. Sure I like your Michele but I wish her name was Michael.”

3. We swear the best—WE ARE THE WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE’S OF FOUR LETTER WORDS. MAYA ANGELOU’S CAGED BIRD CAN SING BUT THE BITCH CAN’T CUSS!

4. IN CATHOLIC SCHOOL, WE WERE ALL KNOWN BY OUR FIRST NAMES FOLLOWED BY THE FIRST LETTER OF OUR LAST NAME, LIKE ‘STEPHANIE M.’ I WAS SHANNON E. NATURALLY, I THEN ASSUMED THAT JESUS WOULD HAVE BEEN JESUS C. THAT MADE ME CURIOUS, AND I GOT IN TROUBLE FOR ASKING IF MARY’S LAST NAME WAS CHRIST, TOO. YOU KNOW, JESUS’ MOM, MARY C.

5. IN 1ST GRADE, WE WERE GIVEN THIS PIECE OF PAPER WITH MARY DRAWN ON IT. AND WE WERE TOLD TO COLOR HER SHMATEH AND PUT A NICE BORDER ALL AROUND HER, LIKE A FRAME. I ENDED UP IN THE PRINCIPAL’S OFFICE B/C MY BORDER WAS COMPOSED SOLELY OF DOLLAR SIGNS. MARY DESERVED NICE THINGS.

6. IF YOU WERE RAISED IN THE MIDWEST IN A CATHOLIC FAMILY, I TRUST YOU 72.3% MORE THAN I TRUST MOST PEOPLE.

7. IF YOUR FAMILY WAS AN ALCHOHOLIC IRISH CATHOLIC FAMILY, WE COULD SAVE A LOT OF MONEY PAIRING UP FOR THERAPY. SAME BACKGROUND, SO IT’LL SAVE TIME ON THE HISTORY ‘INTAKE’ SHIT. THEN, I’LL TAKE THE FIRST ½ HOUR, YOU THE SECOND AND WE’LL GO RIGHT DOWN THE MIDDLE W/ THE $200 FEE.

8. I CONSIDER MYSELF A CATHOLIC. JUST, LIGHT WITH 2 SUGARS.

THE GOOD STUFF ABOUT BEING A CATHOLIC

1. Having gone to Catholic school for through 8th grade and some of High School, too, my classmates weren’t just acquaintances or friends. They were my family, still are. I have met their spouses, know the names of their kids and got to see just who lost their hair and how much. And while I’m sure teachers and the church in its way guided me toward regarding them as such, this sense of community just reveled itself to me, like a new freckle. Weird at first, and it could potentially cause cancer. But mostly beautiful, a permanent part of me. That’s worth all the tuition Mom forked over. I’ll get back to you on whether or not it was worth my lack of fashion sense. In a way, I continue to wear a uniform. My wardrobe has no gloss. I remain an adolescent trapped in a navy wool sweater and white turtleneck. The loafers symbolize my freedom, so suck it.

2. The Sacrements. Baptisms, First Communions, Confirmations and weddings are the only time my family gets together to celebrate something that isn’t death. (For more on funerals, search my March 31st blog entry.) These rites of passage connected me to them, reminded who I was, where I came from and why I did these things. For the cash and prizes.
When I am hanging out with friends, they love hearing all of my ‘you won’t believe what I saw/listened to/did in church this one time’ stories. Classics, all of them.

3. If life is indeed a house, then my religion, for the most has been the best solid foundation. It’s also great fodder for comedy. Not to drag her in the dirt some more, but the whole Virgin Mary thing just KILLS ME.

4. The basis for my understanding of all virtues and truths is a gift of my faith. Public schools do not instruct their students in subjects like the Parables, the teachings and life of Christ. Ethics, from the time I was 5, was a cornerstone of my education. Religion was a class, same as Math, Science, Social Studies and Art. I was blessed with this instruction, and any redeeming values I maintain are to the credit of my Catholic education.

5. Sure, I’ve got some ‘issues’ about my upbringing. Who doesn’t? Mostly, though, I am incredibly thankful. Memories of my childhood don’t haunt me. I appreciate everyone who played a part in the development of my fascinating, sometimes shocking, fragile little mind. Thanks God! Thanks Jesus! Thanks Holy Spirit, whatever you are! Thanks church! Thanks Father Fielding, Sr. Dorothy, Sister de la Chapelle, Sister Theresita! Thanks to everyone at St. Colette and Woodlands Academy and (only some people at) Sacred Heart in Winnetka, IL! And thank you St. Thomas Moore parish. I became a member of the Catholic faith under your south side Chicago bricks and mortar. But I’m always gonna hate that asshole who eulogized my Grandma Ennis. He’s a poster boy for casting a wider net in order to catch better quality would-be men and women of The Cloth.

6. Because I live in New York City, I still say The Hail Mary every day. Every time I see an ambulance I rip out a few of them under my breath in the hopes that fate or karma or God or Budda or Mayor Bloomberg sees to it that that poor bastard makes it to the E.R. And I close with one more for his/her family. A mere 4 seconds later, I mutter ‘asshole’ to myself as some fat guy isn’t walking at a speed I find reasonable.

7. It’s a damn good thing that I make a conscious effort to show love and kindness to all of God’s children. Daktoa Fanning, should this cease, you’re a dead woman. Watch your back, too, Katie Couric.

8. Finally, and I mean FINALLY, I am not worried about life after death. I am well aware that I am going to Hell and I’ll know exactly how I got there, chapter and verse.

Peace Be With Me. (You, too.)