Everyone Loves Dead Lucille Ball

This was an actual headline in today's AP Entertaiment News. The story follows. Then there's another headline. That's my story.

LUCILLE BALL TOPS LIST OF DEAD CELEBS

Lucille Ball is America's most beloved dead star. The company that developed the "Q score" that broadcasters and advertisers quietly consult to measure a personality's popularity has done a survey that tests the reputation of performers who have gone on to that big soundstage in the sky.
The redheaded sitcom star of the 1950s and '60s, who died in 1989, has topped past "Dead Q" lists as her comedies seemingly live forever on television, said Steve Levitt, president of Marketing Evaluations, Inc., which conducts the tests.

"What is there not to like about Lucy?" he said.

Um, the Shan wonders, in the physical realm, what’s left of Lucy to like? She passed in ’89 and it’s 2005. Yikes!

LUCILLE BALL THRILLED TO TOP LIST OF DEAD CELEBS

Besting beloved male entertainers such as Dead Bob Hope, Dead John Wayne, Dead Jimmy Stewart and Dead Red Skelton, Dead Lucy said that she was delighted to have the number one spot on the “Dead Q” list.

“I’m not exactly shocked. I beat those pompous pricks for years. I invented the modern sitcom, God damn it! And I broke more than a few barriers doing it, almost more than all the balls I busted to get there,” Dead Lucy recalled at a press conference held on Cloud Nine. “Desi and I drank, smoked and celebrated our superiority when we were alive. In the long run, it’s probably what killed us. But victory tastes better in heaven, I gotta tell ya.”

Congratulations to “Dead Q” list newcomers Dead Johnny Carson and Dead John Ritter. Lucky for them, Dead Jackie Gleason and Dead Fred Astaire ("Dead Fred" to friends) show every dead celebrity the ropes. Their favorite newbies include Dead River Phoenix, Dead Anne Miller, Dead Lawrence Welk, Dead J.T. Walsh and, of course, Dead Elvis. Dead Jackie and Dead Fred have no jealousy issues. They welcome sublebrities with open arms. As they say, "In the afterlife a star is a star." But Dead Michael Landon is a different story. Don’t fuck with Dead Michael Landon.

Before leaving Heavenly La La Land, I asked one more question. "Who's the funniest dead celebrity? To my surprise there was no debate. Heartily and without pause, all the famous dead shouted in unison, "Dead John Houseman!"