Pat Robertson Kills Me
Religious broadcaster Pat Robertson has suggested that American agents assassinate Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez to stop his country from becoming "a launching pad for communist infiltration and Muslim extremism."
Pat, we haven't been 'spooked' about communism in 50 years, ya senile old shit. Venezuelans only care about soccer. They call it football. Not like our football, Pat. What they call football we call soccer. I'll give you a couple minutes to digest that.
An official of a theological watchdog group on Tuesday criticized Robertson's statement as "chilling." If you're a theological watchdog group's spokesperson, chilling really means fuckin' fucked up even by Pat fucking Robertson standards.
"We have the ability to take him out, and I think the time has come that we exercise that ability," Robertson said Monday on the Christian Broadcast Network's "The 700 Club."
"We don't need another $200 billion war to get rid of one, you know, strong-arm dictator," he continued. "It's a whole lot easier to have some of the covert operatives do the job and then get it over with."
Watch yer back, Pat-hole, covert operatives (the Queer Eye Fab 5) are coming to your house to take you out. First they'll place an aesthetically stunning burning cross in your front yard. Then Carson Kressley will have his way with you while your children and grandchildren watch via teleconference. Expect to don a flattering bodice. He likes his boys tight. Once Carson's finished, which will be a while, because as I understand it, Sting has taught him some serious tantric techniques, the boys will attach you to your dining room table with loads (pun intended) of glitter glue. Following activities shall prompt an aneurism or heart-attack. That is, if the massive blood loss doesn't get you first.
"You know, I don't know about this doctrine of assassination, but if he thinks we're trying to assassinate him, I think that we really ought to go ahead and do it," Robertson said. Ah, yes, the doctrine of assasintation, written on the heels of the Monroe doctrine during the "You Betta Doctrine Up Imperialism and Assasinationism" era, begun in 1823. Damn, Pat, you knows your history, I'll give you that.
Robertson then let it all hang out. "It's a whole lot cheaper than starting a war ... and I don't think any oil shipments will stop." Hahaha! Pat, you kill me! We can totally afford another war if we give our big-ass tax breaks back to the G-O-V-E...sorry, forgot you can't spell. You know, the Feds. Dude, before you forget, put that oil shipment joke on paper. Leno will snap that up and take credit for it. Trust me. Remember that one joke he told about Tom Cruise being crazy lately? That was mine.
Robertson has made controversial statements in the past. In October 2003, he suggested that the State Department be blown up with a nuclear device. However, to his credit, he did pronounce 'nuclear' correctly. He has also said that feminism encourages women to "kill their children, practice witchcraft, destroy capitalism and become lesbians." Hence Gloria Steinem's reknown rug-munching, socialist leanings and broom riding prowess. Call Gloria if you'd like the conformist cast out of you. Also, her yearly reading of Mothers Who Kill Their Children: Understanding the Acts of Susan Smith to the "Prom Mom" has been moved from Oct. 14 to the 28th. Gloria insists that her power grows as Halloween draws closer. Bluestockings, a radical bookstore, fair trade cafe, and activist center in the Lower East Side of Manhattan has proudly played host to this event for 11 consecutive years. Thank you, bitches!
Secretary of Defense Donald H. Rumsfeld, appearing at a Pentagon news conference, said when asked: "Our department doesn't do that kind of thing. It's against the law. He's a private citizen. Private citizens say all kinds of things all the time." If you're the Secretary of Defense, you mean that Pat Robertson is a bigger facist asshole than you are and you pray he never shuts his hole because he makes you look like the Pilsbury Dough Boy when you say 'private citizens say all kinds of things all the time.'
State Department spokesman Sean McCormack called Robertson's remarks "inappropriate." "This is not the policy of the United States government. We do not share his views," McCormack said. After an in-depth investigation, it was determined that the State Department doesn't share anything. One time the FBI wanted to borrow coffee filters and the State Departement was like, "Why don't you exercise your covert abilities and find some of your own. Better yet, go ask Agent Mulder to send a message to his alien sister. She'll have extraterrestrial coffee filters."
As evidenced by recent events, U.S. policy is to employ neo-Conservatism domestically. This strategy, designed to alienate and frustrate thoughtful Americans with a net worth that's less that a bagillion dollars, seems destined for remarkable success. With any luck, those fucking boarder jumpers will speak regular English as good as the President does. U.S. foreiregn policy has returned to the old method of gunboat diplomacy. Since Bush is unable to conceptualize a long-term global strategy, he has assembled a wacky B-boy reactionary gang of oil industry bitches including a well-connected who's who of past Republican administrations and prominent businessmen and women. Everyone thinks they're the Executive in Chief. In a shocking turn of events, White House leaks indicate the impending outsing of Condi Rice. Her successor, yet to be named, is widely speculated to be Pat Robertson. Robertson wisely eliminationed his competition when he had Colin Powell assasinated at a recent meeting of the Rainbow Coalition.
posted by Shannon E. Ennis at
Wednesday, August 24, 2005
Pat, we haven't been 'spooked' about communism in 50 years, ya senile old shit. Venezuelans only care about soccer. They call it football. Not like our football, Pat. What they call football we call soccer. I'll give you a couple minutes to digest that.
An official of a theological watchdog group on Tuesday criticized Robertson's statement as "chilling." If you're a theological watchdog group's spokesperson, chilling really means fuckin' fucked up even by Pat fucking Robertson standards.
"We have the ability to take him out, and I think the time has come that we exercise that ability," Robertson said Monday on the Christian Broadcast Network's "The 700 Club."
"We don't need another $200 billion war to get rid of one, you know, strong-arm dictator," he continued. "It's a whole lot easier to have some of the covert operatives do the job and then get it over with."
Watch yer back, Pat-hole, covert operatives (the Queer Eye Fab 5) are coming to your house to take you out. First they'll place an aesthetically stunning burning cross in your front yard. Then Carson Kressley will have his way with you while your children and grandchildren watch via teleconference. Expect to don a flattering bodice. He likes his boys tight. Once Carson's finished, which will be a while, because as I understand it, Sting has taught him some serious tantric techniques, the boys will attach you to your dining room table with loads (pun intended) of glitter glue. Following activities shall prompt an aneurism or heart-attack. That is, if the massive blood loss doesn't get you first.
"You know, I don't know about this doctrine of assassination, but if he thinks we're trying to assassinate him, I think that we really ought to go ahead and do it," Robertson said. Ah, yes, the doctrine of assasintation, written on the heels of the Monroe doctrine during the "You Betta Doctrine Up Imperialism and Assasinationism" era, begun in 1823. Damn, Pat, you knows your history, I'll give you that.
Robertson then let it all hang out. "It's a whole lot cheaper than starting a war ... and I don't think any oil shipments will stop." Hahaha! Pat, you kill me! We can totally afford another war if we give our big-ass tax breaks back to the G-O-V-E...sorry, forgot you can't spell. You know, the Feds. Dude, before you forget, put that oil shipment joke on paper. Leno will snap that up and take credit for it. Trust me. Remember that one joke he told about Tom Cruise being crazy lately? That was mine.
Robertson has made controversial statements in the past. In October 2003, he suggested that the State Department be blown up with a nuclear device. However, to his credit, he did pronounce 'nuclear' correctly. He has also said that feminism encourages women to "kill their children, practice witchcraft, destroy capitalism and become lesbians." Hence Gloria Steinem's reknown rug-munching, socialist leanings and broom riding prowess. Call Gloria if you'd like the conformist cast out of you. Also, her yearly reading of Mothers Who Kill Their Children: Understanding the Acts of Susan Smith to the "Prom Mom" has been moved from Oct. 14 to the 28th. Gloria insists that her power grows as Halloween draws closer. Bluestockings, a radical bookstore, fair trade cafe, and activist center in the Lower East Side of Manhattan has proudly played host to this event for 11 consecutive years. Thank you, bitches!
Secretary of Defense Donald H. Rumsfeld, appearing at a Pentagon news conference, said when asked: "Our department doesn't do that kind of thing. It's against the law. He's a private citizen. Private citizens say all kinds of things all the time." If you're the Secretary of Defense, you mean that Pat Robertson is a bigger facist asshole than you are and you pray he never shuts his hole because he makes you look like the Pilsbury Dough Boy when you say 'private citizens say all kinds of things all the time.'
State Department spokesman Sean McCormack called Robertson's remarks "inappropriate." "This is not the policy of the United States government. We do not share his views," McCormack said. After an in-depth investigation, it was determined that the State Department doesn't share anything. One time the FBI wanted to borrow coffee filters and the State Departement was like, "Why don't you exercise your covert abilities and find some of your own. Better yet, go ask Agent Mulder to send a message to his alien sister. She'll have extraterrestrial coffee filters."
As evidenced by recent events, U.S. policy is to employ neo-Conservatism domestically. This strategy, designed to alienate and frustrate thoughtful Americans with a net worth that's less that a bagillion dollars, seems destined for remarkable success. With any luck, those fucking boarder jumpers will speak regular English as good as the President does. U.S. foreiregn policy has returned to the old method of gunboat diplomacy. Since Bush is unable to conceptualize a long-term global strategy, he has assembled a wacky B-boy reactionary gang of oil industry bitches including a well-connected who's who of past Republican administrations and prominent businessmen and women. Everyone thinks they're the Executive in Chief. In a shocking turn of events, White House leaks indicate the impending outsing of Condi Rice. Her successor, yet to be named, is widely speculated to be Pat Robertson. Robertson wisely eliminationed his competition when he had Colin Powell assasinated at a recent meeting of the Rainbow Coalition.
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