Snooze Abuse
I am in an abusive relationship with my Snooze alarm, and it's gotten out of control. We've been together since I was in High School. It's always been a love/hate kind of thing. At first, I resented her. But soon I began to depend on her, and since then, I've always been grateful to have her. I lover her, I really do. Without her, I'd sleepwalk through life. But there's just something about her whining first thing in the morning. Bitch, bitch, bitch! I can't stand it. So, I hit her. She knows it's coming, too. I can't tell you how many times I warn her, "Shut the fuck up!" "Shut up!" But on she goes, like clockwork.
Mostly, I hit her on weekdays. Lately, though, I've been going at her on weekends, too. Weekend sessions last much longer than the weekday ones. Monday - Friday I'll usually get to a point where I can stop. God forgive me, though, because on the weekends I can't control myself. I give it to her good, for hours on end. Snooze! Snooze! Snooze! Every 10 minutes. Snooze! 9 minutes. Snooze! It's like exhausting love-making. I catch myself making the same faces, the same noises, only they're slightly more begrudging. And I'll confess that my motivation isn't about performing a loving act. It's a sick crutch.
I am an animal.
The majority of Snooze couples have appropriate, respectful relationships. Sure, every now and again, the Snooze receives a tap or two. I guess I just have a more violent consitution. I don't know how to love.
posted by Shannon E. Ennis at
Monday, August 08, 2005
Mostly, I hit her on weekdays. Lately, though, I've been going at her on weekends, too. Weekend sessions last much longer than the weekday ones. Monday - Friday I'll usually get to a point where I can stop. God forgive me, though, because on the weekends I can't control myself. I give it to her good, for hours on end. Snooze! Snooze! Snooze! Every 10 minutes. Snooze! 9 minutes. Snooze! It's like exhausting love-making. I catch myself making the same faces, the same noises, only they're slightly more begrudging. And I'll confess that my motivation isn't about performing a loving act. It's a sick crutch.
I am an animal.
The majority of Snooze couples have appropriate, respectful relationships. Sure, every now and again, the Snooze receives a tap or two. I guess I just have a more violent consitution. I don't know how to love.
2 Comments:
Perhaps "she" fits in somewhere between reason #46 and #917...the need for something more motivating to wake up to...OR, maybe it's the other way around, what I'll call reason #514 to not have a gf...at least she (your alarm clock) won't knock you out with her killer breath and she won't hog all the sheets, then get mad at you for disturbing her sleep just to cover your bare ass so the friggin' cat doesn't get too uncomfortably close to it!
And just for fun...from one of my favorite shows already in re-runs..."Excuse me, is your refrigerator running? Because if it is, it probably runs like you, very homosexually." - The Family Guy
By
Anonymous, at 2:33 PM
Anonymous,
Once again, you slay me. I will never understand how so many ppl. have 'morning sex' b/c, frankly, if I don't brush my teeth first(partner, too), ain't nothin' going on. It takes me a good 20 minutes to really WAKE UP, too.
You've got me missing my warm, adorable Jimmy Carter (kitty/predator) & how comforting his soft furry self felt all nuzzled next to/on top of/beside me while I slept. I cannot say, tho, that my ass was ever bare in these instances.
Family Guy is hysterical. So wrong and so, so funny.
By
Shannon E. Ennis, at 9:45 AM
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