Fart Party
I am starting a new column on my blog. Since I've got so much unsolicited, great advice that no one listens to, I thought I'd humor myself and give it out on the ol' blog. This way I don't have to suffer the pain of witnessing anyone ingore me in person .
Hot Tip from Auntie Shannon!
If you’ve got gas, I’ve got a solution. It’s possible to release them and not leave a scented trace. You can hide farts in thick upholstery, like cheap car interior. Find a chair covered in that material, sit down and let loose. Get ‘em deep in there! Those puppies can take ANYTHING, proving that there’s more than one kind of absorption. Ever smelled a nasty stank fart at the movies? See what I’m saying? Personally, I’ve thrust many an 8 a.m., post-kegger skunk bubble into a few B.U. lecture hall seats. Sorry, Anthropology 101, 1994! I didn’t intend that any escape, but every one of my chairs worked really hard on your behalf.
Note: This policy does not apply to sushi farts. For those, I’m afraid you’re on your own.
Lately, I've been pitying myself (more than usual) and inventing fantasies so I can feel better. Here's a sample fantasy I'd like to share. If I should ever get married, be prepared for a huge-ass, 24-hour blow out. I’m going to pull a Star Jones and get the whole damn thing sponsored. Birkenstock, Olivia Cruises, Curve Magazine, Toys in Babeland, AfterEllen.com and Home Depot will slug it out for signage, press mentions and product placement while the little lady and I take care of booking the entertainment. I plan to make an executive decision, though. I will pick without consulting my bride to be. I wouldn't want weigh her down with the inconvenience of having to make her own choice. That just takes time, and she'd endanger herself if she disagrees with me. She'll adore my thoughful consideration.
Guests will be treated to the stylin’ sounds of the woman-lovin-woman cover band, Lez Zepplin. The managers who represent Betty will call and plead to play, and I’ll just say, “After what they did to the L Word? Why not hire Anita Bryant as our spokesperson?”
posted by Shannon E. Ennis at
Tuesday, September 27, 2005
Hot Tip from Auntie Shannon!
If you’ve got gas, I’ve got a solution. It’s possible to release them and not leave a scented trace. You can hide farts in thick upholstery, like cheap car interior. Find a chair covered in that material, sit down and let loose. Get ‘em deep in there! Those puppies can take ANYTHING, proving that there’s more than one kind of absorption. Ever smelled a nasty stank fart at the movies? See what I’m saying? Personally, I’ve thrust many an 8 a.m., post-kegger skunk bubble into a few B.U. lecture hall seats. Sorry, Anthropology 101, 1994! I didn’t intend that any escape, but every one of my chairs worked really hard on your behalf.
Note: This policy does not apply to sushi farts. For those, I’m afraid you’re on your own.
Lately, I've been pitying myself (more than usual) and inventing fantasies so I can feel better. Here's a sample fantasy I'd like to share. If I should ever get married, be prepared for a huge-ass, 24-hour blow out. I’m going to pull a Star Jones and get the whole damn thing sponsored. Birkenstock, Olivia Cruises, Curve Magazine, Toys in Babeland, AfterEllen.com and Home Depot will slug it out for signage, press mentions and product placement while the little lady and I take care of booking the entertainment. I plan to make an executive decision, though. I will pick without consulting my bride to be. I wouldn't want weigh her down with the inconvenience of having to make her own choice. That just takes time, and she'd endanger herself if she disagrees with me. She'll adore my thoughful consideration.
Guests will be treated to the stylin’ sounds of the woman-lovin-woman cover band, Lez Zepplin. The managers who represent Betty will call and plead to play, and I’ll just say, “After what they did to the L Word? Why not hire Anita Bryant as our spokesperson?”
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home