PMS HH FF

My PMS is special and I am willing to expose it for the education's sake. Or for exhibition's sake. Whatever.

I am in the phase of my 28 day 'woman's cycle' where I exclusivey and aggressively desire two things: ass and food. I call this pre-period period The Attack of the Double H's. Hungry and horny. Pick an appetite and try to satisfy it. The Shan must be fed.

While the H combo is damn near unbearable, it's also got really shitty timing. They're not compatible! I mean, who wants to get it on w/ a chyck who's face is buried in a pepperoni pizza, who smells like burnt sugar and Doritos, who's' dressed in the ugliest 'softies' she could possibly assemble? Hot, heh? "Honey, I would love to get funky. Would you hang on a sec while I polish off these chips then down a Snickers chaser? Shit! Where did I put that milkshake?" Oh, I nearly forgot the magnet like sex pull of PMS acne. If a smattering of zits gets you good to go, you're in luck.

In popular culture, PMS is associated with frequent, drastic changes in mood. The PMSer can go from pissy and mean to full on sappy weeping in seconds flat. One minute she's bitching on about her hatred of Star Jones, how she was better fat. Next minute, that David Duchovny voice-overed puppy commercial comes on and the tragedy of her dog Kenny's death is relived. She is a Porche of emotion, a high performance vehicle, but enormously delicate, too. Don't get sucked in. There's no escape and she'll bring you down with her. Rather, watch her as you would Riki Lake.

I would advise men to follow some simple instructions to advoid decapitation:

• Dude, you know how you "pet" your car, lovingly, lightly, mindful of not leaving a smudge? Apply that affection and care to the woman of the verge of a nervous tampon festival.
• Consider the double H's. Handling the H's requires introducing a new alphabetical duo, the Double F's. Feed her. Fuck her. C'est tout.

Now, I am having NO PROBLEMO with the food part. I can buy that, and I'm not too fussy about what candy I'll (over)eat. The, uh, you know...the other thing, that's a dilemma.