Behind the Toys

I am one sick puppy. Above is the latest addition to my office decor. That man with the protruding sack/ass is Sportacus from NICKELODEON's 'Lazy Town.' The show aims at getting kids in shape because they're all fat bastards these days, what with the videos and all that technology and McDonald's and sloth. No one gets picked first for Dodgeball anymore. No one can do the bent arm hang for more than 3 seconds!

Sportacus to the rescue! He's is the main character and he motivates Stephanie, an 11 year old Sweedish kid with bright pink hair, to exercise. Together, they annoy the residents of Lazy Town with their fitness regimen, which consists of dancing to Sweedish techno, and that's it. I swear to God. Watch the show, I beg of you. Sportacus is the next generation's Mr. Rodgers, a pseudo-pedofile disguised as a children's TV character. Fred Rodgers stripped at the top of his show, everyday, while little kids joined him in song. He played with his trolley, if you get my drift. I'll show you what a beautiful day in Lazy Town looks like. It's a pink headed blur standing beside some overgrown gymnast while he cajoles and cuddles toe-headed boys and girls, "The best way to exercise is naked because it's more natural." If you think I'm paranoid, look at his mustache.

So where did I get this gorgeous 5' wide foam-core board of Senior Sportacus? At last year's Toy Fair, my company introduced a line of 'Lazy Town' activities, and Sportacus' buldge featured prominently in the showroom display. When I first saw it, I thought we were peddling products specially marketed toward molesters so they could attract children they would later torture, forcibly rape and murder. A few sales reps fainted as Sportacus snuck into their line of sight. He clearly disturbed anyone who ever watched the TV movie, "Adam." And others, too, like Members of The Angel Network who've seen one of those very special Oprah shows where she and some "specialists" scare the shit out of parents so they can turn around and scare the shit out of their kids about Stranger Danger. Thanks, John Walsh. Get a real job, it's what Adam would have wanted. Besides, they're teaching kids rude behavior. I would totally help find that guy's puppy and doesn't everyone keep their van (with tinted windows) stocked with candy? No. Go. Tell? More like, Sure. Stay. Help. Help!

Surprisingly, we couldn't give the 'Lazy Town' crap away. Summer camps, fat farms, they all said, "Sell Captain Touchy elsewhere. What kind of sick fucks are you?" Well, I am a devoted sick fuck. So, I've chosen to display Sportacus prominently in my place of work.