Sandra Dee: Cold Blooded Killer

Patrick McDermott, 48, Olivia Newton-John's on-again, off-again boyfriend of 9 years, disappeared less than 4 months ago. McDermott went on a fishing trip, but didn't return with his boat. His stuff was on the boat, he wasn't. Foul play has not been ruled out in the missing person investigation spearheaded by the U.S. Coast Guard.

Believe it or not, the Coast Guard is an official branch of the United States military. I have every confidence that they'll uncover the mystery surrounding Patrick McDermott's vanishing. Wait 'til after swimming lessons, though. Treading water wearing dress blues would crush a wussy Navy Seal or a Marine. But the brave men and women of the CG can dive into frigid water without their noses plugged. If the CG would listen to me, they'd have time to play Marco Polo because there is no need for the investigation to continue. Olivia Newton-John did it. Cuff her. Mirandize her to the tune of "You're the One That I Want." She's guilty.

First, Olivia is considerably longer in the tooth than her beau. She's 57, he's 48. Granted, they're no ASHTONnDEMI, but 9 years age difference? That's a receipe for danger. She's well past menopause, has one boob and had a lead role in one of the most successful movie musicals ever, yet filed for bankruptcy in 1992. (Shit, I could live off the royalites of "Hoplessly Devoted to You" alone.) I smell a latant felon. Let's say he takes one step out of her 'he loves me' radius . BAM!, there he goes, right off the side of his boat. Say they're watching TV in bed one night, and he innocently observes, "Wow. Susan Sarandon still looks great. So does Goldie Hawn." The next morning, that kowala-humping time bomb is mixing his coffee with Raid.

Honestly, despite my overwhelming childhood crush, I've always felt that Olivia was a little shifty. She's too nice. She's too saccharin. It's all an act, that plastered on smile, the G rated "Let's Get Physical" video, everything 'Xanadu', her close relationship with John Travolta, being a role model during that whole 'I have breast cancer' scam, doing Christmas movies on Lifetime with her hideous daughter and, her most devious project, an entire album of lullabies, Warm and Tender. Just look at her, all earnest and soprano, aging with grace. I ain't buying it, not no more. The jig is up, 'Livy.

Take her recent appearances on the talk shows to promote her new album, Stronger Than Before (I killed my boyfriend). She commented, "I really thought of not doing it, but the album is about going through difficulty and getting through (read: away) with it. I also know that Patrick would want me to do it because he believed in the cause and following through with your commitments."

Allow me to reword that for ya. Ahem...

"Anyone with a conscience wouldn't think twice about canceling Entertainment Tonight. But then I remembered that I could use the elimination of my philanderous, man-child boyfriend, Patrick, to my advantage. In my mind I thought, 'Reality check, Olivia, your new album coincides with the ongoing investigation of his murd...I mean, disappearance. What a wonderful opportunity to slither back into the spotlight!' Patrick would support my effort to fund facelift #6 by exploiting his missing corpse."

And, I hate to be a bitch, but shut it with the "Love me! I'm an Aussie!" crap. Get in line behind Russel Crowe, Nicole Kidman, Naomi Watts, Guy Pearce, Simon Baker, Eric Bana, Nick Cave, Mel Gibson, Portia deRossi, Natalie Imbruglia, Kylie Minogue, Cate Blanchett and Peta Wilson, babe. You've been eclipsed, usurped. While you were nuzzling with a lowly cameraman 9 years your junior, planning his death, there was a coup d'etat. You're a day player now, Olivia. Your sole function as an Australian celebrity is to sing your friggin' anthem at assorted athletic events if Silverchair is unavaliable.

When justice is served, Olivia's gonna rot in the jail cell prepared for O.J., Robert Blake and Michael Jackson. How's that's for a 'Twist of Fate?' (I had to do it. )