Why Wisconsin Isn't Bad

• I used to loathe the Cheese state. First, they call Illinois residents, "F.I.B.s" which translates to Fucking Illinois Bastards. Who has enough time to hate ppl from IL, let alone come up with an anogram for it? Two bucks says they don't even know what an anogram is. That's not anti-Wisconsin, either. I'm insulting deer huntin' Cheese Head Packer fans b/c they hate IL residents FOR NO REASON. Our summer homes keep their taxes low and their police force ripe with doughnut money. And if The Bears v. Green Bay wasn't the BEST rvialry in football, no one would care about the sate of Wisconsin, unless shit beer wasn't on the shelves. Then all consumers with shit taste in beer would care about Wisconsin.
  
  A recent trip to Milwaukee, however, has shown me the light.
  
• Everything there is wicked cheap. In Milwaukee, I'd have a pot to piss in. At the Milwaukee TARGET, I got a pair of socks for $1.20. I also got a Family Size bag of Twilzlers for $1.79.
  
• Starbucks is better there, too, I shit you not. A Chai Latte costs less in Wisconsin. $3.49 compared to NYCs $4.13 for a Grande. AND my red hot beverage was ready before I approached the other side of the Star-$s counter.
  
• At Lucille's duelling piano bar, they run a cash cow. The over head is so low, I couldn't duck low enough to get under it. Me. I am a limbo Goddess. Their shot specials come in huge plastic syringes. It's 80,000 proof jello gizz and they inject it right into your face for $2. The frills? They throw napkins in the air every 1/2 hour. It looks like one of those $$ booths where you grab as much moolah as you can. Imagine Dorothy in Oz, all hopped up in that poppy field, dreaming that all the flowers were $20s and getting home meant fistfuls of Andrew Jackson. Sadly, I scrambled like an idiot until I realized I was diving for recycled wiped stolen from the local Arby's.
  
• It's quiet and clean there.
• No one drives like as asshole.
• When you're served in a restaurant, at the TARGET or the Mom and Pop (former monster) chain, Starbucks, you're SERVED with a smile and civility. They don't hate you for spending $3.50 on a latte when that's nearly their hourly wage.
• The air is fresh and crisp.
• In WIS, I look hot and hip, more so than the average woman.
• Chicks there are still sporting mullets! Not as an ironic cultural wink toward days past. Noooo, I saw multiple short fronts, long backs while I was there. Worn with purpose and pride, tongue firmly planted out of cheek, I swear.
• In the grocery store, their salad dressing aisle is 20 feet long. It's an incredible cornucopia of Ranch, Ranch and more Ranch. I can't pick from 2 Ranch selections in Brookyln! It's HIDDEN VALLEY or the road.

I'm moving as soon as I can curtail my violent tendencies toward Packer-loving Republicans.