Got Coal?

Christmas is the annual review for children aorund the world. Santa takes a look at who's been naughty or nice, and he drops off the gifts accordingly. Parents report to Santa b/c he's the President & C.E.O of The North Pole. Mom and Dad are pee-ons, not even V.P. material. They're like Directors who've held the same title for years and years and will never move up. Still, it's up to them whether or not their little beasts get cool shit or shine-o-la.

There are serious loopholes in this system, though. For example, the whole coal thing is bullshit. No one gets coal, not even a young Ted Bundy. Way back in the day, I noticed that the shitheads, future serial killers, psychopaths and narcisists always got awesome gifts. I presume that's a vital ingredient for making a sumptous shithead. Spoil the kid for no reason, not as a reward for good grades or a chore well done. Kevin Howard is the finest, truest example of one such a human stain. Call him the shithead footprint. He always had wicked wild B-boys style toys. Optimus Prime, man! The Death Star and The Millenium Falcon, he didn't have to pick one or the other. Also in his unworthy possession was every single He-Man and Thunder Cat figure an 11 year-old cocksucker could want! That little fucker went to the Jackson "Victory Tour" despite having strep throat with a fever of 103, the hot blooded douche bag. His parents drove a Saab before anyone knew what a Saab was! My Mom hauled my ass around in a Chrysler E Class. (In its defense, it did have a guy who talked when we needed gas or if we didn't shut the door all the way. "A door is ajar." My brother and I thought we were hilarious when we corrected his snotty Lee Iacoca ass, "No, a door is open!") But no cool gadget could redeem Kevin Howard. This kid was a total dimwit who flunked 4th grade Reading. Everyone clapped if he walked upright for a whole day. When we took a class trip to the Chicago Historical Society, he climbed on top of a bronze statue of Lewis and Clark as though we weren't guests of an instituiton full of artifacts and collections, paintings and custumes. Kevin Howard acted like we were at Lincoln Park Zoo. I'll bet you Mr. and Mrs. Howard went right out and had Xavier Roberts whip up a custom-made Cabbage Patch doll for him, aptly named Silly Billy or some shit like that.

Auntie Shan rules that kids who make the Honor Roll and don't maim a sibling get stuff like bikes, drum sets and leather jackets. Kids who talk back, have shivved a classmate and seem to like President Bush should get all the crap that's been recalled, like pajamas that can't withstand fire, or something stupid spawn will easily choke on.