Suddenly "Into" World News Tonight

ABC News settled on the youthful anchor team of Elizabeth Vargas and Bob Woodruff to replace the late Peter Jennings as anchor of "World News Tonight."

Shannon loves Elizabeth Vargas. Shannon will now watch ABC news as religiously as possible. When Liz (She asks me to call her that. "My mother is Elizabeth. I'm just Liz," she insists. I abide by her wish, and when she looks away, I call her "Baby Love" under my breath.) reads various and sundry tales of misery that plague the world and our stumbling nation, I won't take it so hard. All I'll see is a pretty TV anchor lady talking to me. I don't really give a rat's ass about what she's actually saying. So when she recites, "The former Sept. 11 commission gave dismal grades Monday to the federal government's efforts to shore up national security and prevent another terror attack on the United States. Meeting for the last time since being appointed by Congress in 2002, commission members gave the government 'more F's than A's' among the 41 grades measuring progress on security recommendations they issued last year," from the teleprompter, I'll feel safe despite the implied threat of security breaches at all nuclear fascilities across the U.S. It's like if Snow White or Wonder Woman informed me that in a recent poll 9 out of 10 Al Qaeda operatives claimed there was a cell in NJ formed for the express purpose of blowing my tits off. Sure, I'm scared, but what a great reason to ask hot babes to hold me until the fear subsides.