You're Not Important
HOT TIP FROM AUNTIE SHAN:
"I'm sorry he/she is on the phone right now, can I take a message," is no longer an acceptable blow-off for some bothersome, low-on-the-totem-pole individual who your boss or co-worker needs to for you to make disappear. The new phrase is, "He/She is on a conference call. I can relay a message." Talking to one person on the phone isn't enough to Raid an executive nuisance. If you're The Blower Offer, these days you must summon a some back-handed, cruel 'tude. It's imperative to hit 'em with the impression that there are an undisclosed number of people who are more important than they are. In addition, do not offer to help them with an open ended offer like, "Can I take a message?" That's going to make you feel obligated and make them feel entitled. Fuck that. Instead, make a simple declaration that you would, if you absolutely had to--but probably won't--play carrier pigeon. Write this down b/c you'll use it again: A question is delivered with a high vocal intonation which signals hope and willingness to serve. But a flat statement kills hope dead. It's like popping a child's balloon for no reason. Remember the SNL faux commercial for some musical, where an average Joe is interviewed outside the theater and says, "I loved it. It was better than 'CATS.' I am going to see it again and again," as though they were sleepwalking? Do it like that. Drone, don't invite. It's a sure fire, Shan-approved guarantee that they won't leave a message. Rather, they'll get the message and go away.
Ooh, I've just had a mean thought! Before you hang up the phone, wish them a Merry Christmas. Give it a Tiny Tim spin, all warm-hearted yet completely insincere. That'll sting like a bitch, and put their self esteem (if they've got any left), in the dumper. If that's not perfect closing line, than I am not half the bitch I wish I was.
posted by Shannon E. Ennis at
Friday, December 02, 2005
"I'm sorry he/she is on the phone right now, can I take a message," is no longer an acceptable blow-off for some bothersome, low-on-the-totem-pole individual who your boss or co-worker needs to for you to make disappear. The new phrase is, "He/She is on a conference call. I can relay a message." Talking to one person on the phone isn't enough to Raid an executive nuisance. If you're The Blower Offer, these days you must summon a some back-handed, cruel 'tude. It's imperative to hit 'em with the impression that there are an undisclosed number of people who are more important than they are. In addition, do not offer to help them with an open ended offer like, "Can I take a message?" That's going to make you feel obligated and make them feel entitled. Fuck that. Instead, make a simple declaration that you would, if you absolutely had to--but probably won't--play carrier pigeon. Write this down b/c you'll use it again: A question is delivered with a high vocal intonation which signals hope and willingness to serve. But a flat statement kills hope dead. It's like popping a child's balloon for no reason. Remember the SNL faux commercial for some musical, where an average Joe is interviewed outside the theater and says, "I loved it. It was better than 'CATS.' I am going to see it again and again," as though they were sleepwalking? Do it like that. Drone, don't invite. It's a sure fire, Shan-approved guarantee that they won't leave a message. Rather, they'll get the message and go away.
Ooh, I've just had a mean thought! Before you hang up the phone, wish them a Merry Christmas. Give it a Tiny Tim spin, all warm-hearted yet completely insincere. That'll sting like a bitch, and put their self esteem (if they've got any left), in the dumper. If that's not perfect closing line, than I am not half the bitch I wish I was.
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