CBC, Chem 7, 6 mgs of Ativan, Thorocotomy Tray, Stat!
For the past 3 to 4 weeks I've been having night sweats. I'll wake in the middle of the night and my body is dripping wet. One night I rubbed my lower legs together and it felt just like it does when I ride my bike for 9 hours in 434% humidity. Hear ye perverts, these night sweats are not caused by any activity other than sleep. I usually go back to sleep b/c short of shooting myself in the face, nothing will disturb my sleep. It's a gift. But when I get up in the morning to begin riding my snooze alarm like Pegasus, my clothing is damp and cold and I am freezing.
So I went to the doctor. Apparently there's some weird shit going on. They took blood samples and they're gonna spin that around really fast in that thing that looks like the gravity ride at carnivals, only instead of dirty children it's got test tubes of my O+ whipping around at 100 mph. But they're checking for other stuff, too, b/c whatever is causing The Shan's Sweatin' is probably freaky.
I may have Tuberculosis. How f'ing cool is that? Who gets TB these days? Me, Goddammit, me! I got a PPD test this morning. "PP whaaaat?" you ask. Luckily, that full ride scholarship I got from Fat Johnny's Southside Medical Academesis comes in mighty handy for occassions such as this. We in the medical community know that PPD stands for purified protein derivative. It's an antigen used to aid in the diagnosis of tuberculosis infection. While at Fat Johnny's I performed a fair amount of PPD tests. Maybe more than a fair amount. I don't remember. Blackouts where my specialty. Here's the basic proceduric process for performing a perfunctory PPD. :
The test site (usually the forearm) is cleansed. I told my P.A. (physician's assistant, like Genie Boulet on ER), Valerie, to skip it. At Johnny's we were taught the Lickit Method, which is where you lick a couple of fingers and then rub them in a circular motion on the place where you're gonna stick'em. (Test site is fancy talk the kind of shit Al Gore would say. "I invented the internet by determining said variations on the previous proactively conservation of test site localizations.") Valerie insisted on following her 'infection prevention' routine. Whatever, Val. Hurry along fancy pants. Incidentally, I was put at ease by Valerie's clearly unshowered state. My kind of gal - greasy, threatening harm with a needle. Oh yeah, so the PPD extract is then injected into the most superficial layer under the skin resulting in a blister on the skin. It's a dermal balloon type thing, like a pop-luscious zit without a head on it.
Because the reaction will take 48-72 hours to develop, I'm gonna have to go 'back to the lab' within that time for a proper evaluation of the test site. This will determine whether I have had a significant reaction to the PPD test. A reaction is measured in millimeters of induration (hard swelling) at the site. I'm praying for no hard swelling. Get it?
This is how my arm looks right now, post PPD.:
So I went to the doctor. Apparently there's some weird shit going on. They took blood samples and they're gonna spin that around really fast in that thing that looks like the gravity ride at carnivals, only instead of dirty children it's got test tubes of my O+ whipping around at 100 mph. But they're checking for other stuff, too, b/c whatever is causing The Shan's Sweatin' is probably freaky.
I may have Tuberculosis. How f'ing cool is that? Who gets TB these days? Me, Goddammit, me! I got a PPD test this morning. "PP whaaaat?" you ask. Luckily, that full ride scholarship I got from Fat Johnny's Southside Medical Academesis comes in mighty handy for occassions such as this. We in the medical community know that PPD stands for purified protein derivative. It's an antigen used to aid in the diagnosis of tuberculosis infection. While at Fat Johnny's I performed a fair amount of PPD tests. Maybe more than a fair amount. I don't remember. Blackouts where my specialty. Here's the basic proceduric process for performing a perfunctory PPD. :
The test site (usually the forearm) is cleansed. I told my P.A. (physician's assistant, like Genie Boulet on ER), Valerie, to skip it. At Johnny's we were taught the Lickit Method, which is where you lick a couple of fingers and then rub them in a circular motion on the place where you're gonna stick'em. (Test site is fancy talk the kind of shit Al Gore would say. "I invented the internet by determining said variations on the previous proactively conservation of test site localizations.") Valerie insisted on following her 'infection prevention' routine. Whatever, Val. Hurry along fancy pants. Incidentally, I was put at ease by Valerie's clearly unshowered state. My kind of gal - greasy, threatening harm with a needle. Oh yeah, so the PPD extract is then injected into the most superficial layer under the skin resulting in a blister on the skin. It's a dermal balloon type thing, like a pop-luscious zit without a head on it.
Because the reaction will take 48-72 hours to develop, I'm gonna have to go 'back to the lab' within that time for a proper evaluation of the test site. This will determine whether I have had a significant reaction to the PPD test. A reaction is measured in millimeters of induration (hard swelling) at the site. I'm praying for no hard swelling. Get it?
This is how my arm looks right now, post PPD.:
If I am fucked, my arm will look like this in 48 hours:
And that would be a disaster. I don't want to have to get a chest X-ray b/c the technichians stare at my boobs and say degrading things like, "Nice tits, toots." Or, "Even if you're crudded up, I'd still grab those melons." Also, I am worried that I'll end up like Dana on the 'L Word,' dead for no reason. Lump in breast one episode, bald and bitchy in another and dead in the next. Dianosis Dead Dana. Not me, tho. The Shan's not going down like a punk.
Lastly, I cannot imagine what's causing my poor health...
Today's lunch.
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