Oh My God! They Killed Dana!

'The L Word' can bite me. They killed off my 2nd favorite character—all props to Alice, ‘yo—in the last episode. I stared, mouth agape, at the television for what seemed to be 5 minutes or so. Well, I had NO IDEA THAT WOMEN GET BREAST CANCER. Until they did this ground-breaking story line, I honestly DID NOT KNOW THAT SOME WOMEN DIE FROM BREAST CANCER, and that apparently, as far as cancers go, IT HAPPENS FREQUENTLY IN WOMEN, and IT DOESN"T MATTER HOW OLD YOU ARE OR WHETHER YOU'RE IN SHAPE OR NOT. BREAST CANCER AFFECTS ALL OF US. IT COULD HAPPEN TO ANYONE YOU KNOW; YOUR MOM, AUNT, GRANDMOTHER, BUS DRIVER, O.B. GYN, MARY HART FROM TV’S ENTERTAINMENT TONIGHT, ANYONE. WOW! Thank God at least one show had the courage to tackle the subject. It’s about time.

The writers, directors and producers must be told that the L WORD isn't ever going to get an Emmy nod. Leisha Haley will. Stop frontin’ like your show is high drama...it's a serial, or as the colored girls say, “Do Do Do Do Do Do Do…a soap opera.”

Here are a few genius suggestions as to who should have died instead:

• Jenny
• Jenny and Max, her creepy pre-op boyfriend played by a gorgeous herm
• Jenny by a truck. I’m not fussy about this one. Either she gets struck by one that’s out of control or she’s in one that flips over, or driving next to one that’s hauling some deadly gas.
• Jenny by a tragic fall in the shower. Must involve an errant razor, you know, for the fun of it. Ex-cutter dies while shaving her armpit.
• Angus so we don't have to have the Angus/Kit storyline b/c it sucks worse than another appearance of BETTY
• Dana's parents in a car accident on the way to the hospital
• Anyone who works w/ Shane in that "how do they make any $$ to run that place, whatever it is" skate shop/salon/mini-half pipe/hang out local du jour
• Carmen's mom after their little "Mamasita, I am un lesbianico esta Shane, my lesbianaca girlfriendo" conflict.
• That waitress girl from the PLANET (who obviously won some kind of walk-on raffle) who told Kit that some dude was pissed about his hamburger. That was 27 seconds of brilliant television.
• Jenny, by suicide
• Jessica Simpson, during a cameo appearance where an enraged fan pumps her full of bullets on a "very special episode of The L Word." Celebrities who perpetuate the dumb blond with big tits ideal deserve to get shot.
• Tina’s new boyfriend b/c he’s just so nice. His kid has such curly hair he may as well be mulatto just like Angelica. Bette and Tina could raise him as though Pop was sperm in a jar just like his little sister’s daddy.
• Jenny, by a horrible accident of gravity and her iPad
• That old lady at the bus stop who liked to yell. She could wail as the bus pulls up and runs over her foot. An 80 something year old lady would surely die from a bus/foot collision.
• Jenny by any means necessary.

R.I.P. Dana Fairbanks. Subaru would like to thank you for helping them corner the gay market.

Some people take this way too seriously.

Erin Daniels, mainstream Hollywood would like to thank you for your sensitive portrayal of a semi self-loathing professional tennis playing lesbian, for removing your clothing on several episodes and leaving loyal viewers with lingering serve & volley-centric fantasies, but don’t go thinking that you’ll ever work in this town again. As my friend Terri noted, you’re just not cute enough to get more work in Tinsel Town. Best of luck to ya, though. We’ll really try and make it to the screenings of any indie films you do. It would help if they were featured in real festivals, not just the handful of homo ones.

On a serious note, breast cancer is nothing to joke about. Have someone feel you up or do it yourself in the shower. Oh, and Katie Couric would like to shove a camera up your ass so she can immortalize your colon.