What are you trying to say?

"I don't think your girlfriend likes me." I feel compelled to say that to someone, b/c it's true, but it's just so awkward and pointless. I would prefer that the girlfriend in question just say, "Could you not piss on my fire hydrant?" That'd make it real easy for everyone involved. First, if some babe's girlfriend doesn't dig me b/c I'm a loud dork that's one thing, and I'd accept that. But if the chick is Crack is Whacked out enough to view me as 'threatening' than she should explode by the natural force of ludicrisocracy. I am obnoxious, not hot. No one will ever be drawn to me b/c of that dynamic duo. I mean...that'd be like if David Spade was tagging Heather Locklear or something like that.

A comedy club booker told me that I got invited to do a guest spot on his show b/c I have brains. I came right then and there. Flattery will get you to climax. Either yours or someone else's. Preferably (d'uh) both. Wait...is 'brains' a euphemism for tits?

LET ME BE VERY CLEAR: If you, the reader, are able to score tickets to tonight's 10th Anniversary performance of 'RENT,' featuring the entire original cast, I will do very specific things to earn back the cost of my admission. Also, if you can't get it up for tonight's show, Idina Menzel will be reprising her role as Elphaba in the London production of 'WICKED,' beginning this September. Ahem! Hotel + Airfare + WICKED ticket = Name your price. I hope that doesn't sound too vague.