NYPD Jew

• Today, the cover of The New York Post reads: NYPD Jew. The NYPD has added a Hasidic Jew to the force. Too bad the headline upstaged the milestone.
• Don't count on me to give you the Heimlich Maneuver. You'd be wise to choke near somebody else. I am not tall enough to help you out if your airway becomes obstructed. Children under 5, feel free to choke on a hot dog in my presence. Auntie Shan to the rescue!
• I heard a woman say, "I'm not dating right now," as though she made a conscious choice to do so. This baffled and angered me. All I could think was, "You're not even cute, yet I cannot give it away." Sadly, though, her resolve was magnetic and suddenly, I kinda wanted to ask her out.
• My new pick-up line? "I'm not dating right now."
• Wimbledon concluded this weekend. I am jonesing to hear a well-struck tennis ball, to listen to John McEnroe and Mary Carillo (who pings as "lesbo" as Navratilova and Billie Jean King) call a match, turn up the volume on radio Wimbledon because I don't want to miss the Brit commentators describe a player's loss as "crashing" while I pretend to "work" at my "desk" for "the man."
• At 31 years of age I remain hypnotized by potty humor. Case in point: I was watching SOUTH PARK this weekend and learned that the boys have a new teacher, Ms. Chokesondick. I waited with bated breath each time one of them raised their hand in class, got called on and addressed her.