What Would Rick Do? WWRD?

Dear Ex-Senator Rick Santorum (R), PA--

I heard that you lost your seat in the Senate. Now would be a perfect time to catch up on your gay porn/beastiality videos. The Nature Channel or Animal Planet sometimes shows clips of GAY ANIMALS FUCKING EACH OTHER! I swear. After copulating, they "cleptomanialize" the food and natual resources of nearby endangered species. You'd really like it.

Might I suggest one more activity? When my grandmother retired she took up knitting. She found it relaxing and we ended up crochetted to within an inch of our lives. I think she knit my cap & gown. But that's not where I'm going with this. Why not knit a huge rainbow flag? You know, as a gesture of thanks to the many PA homos (including the entire cast of "Queer As Folk") whose votes denied you another term and gave you all this leisure time. Hell, the chances of a possible Presidential bid are lower than your polling #s. Ha! I kid, I kid. Use those meet n' greet skills, though. Go door to door soliciting donations for all the yarn it'll take to make your flag. Do you have any money left in the campaign coffers? Grab that, too, before the party takes it back. Jerks. Create a faith-based initiative, gather members of your church together and make a friggin quilt! The only things Those Gays love more than hand-knit flags? Quilts.


Gosh, there's so much for you do to. Thank God for giving you all the time you need to work on projects like these. And the willingness to accept your new role as a political failure. He's great at that, isn't he? Doing for us what we cannot do for ourselves. God knew you were a one-termer and that is his will. Be humble in the service of The Lord, Rick, for he too loves a good quilt. Or maybe a cross cosy?

If you need any help, just call me. I hate Republicans and bigots, but I've got an open mind and a generous spirit. I'd totally roll up my sleeves for you as you do pennance, a shit load of pennance.

With Love and Kindness,
Shannon E. Ennis