I'm In Thalthes

In a phrase I'll borrow from Bill Maher, New Rule: You cannot expect to have a rewarding career in sales if you have a speech impediment. Specifically a lisp. No one wants to get trapped on the other end of the phone while they're pitched  "thome thuper opportunitieth." 

I will begin with the obvious: Lispers are difficult to understand. Trying to decipher what they're saying it like the first 5 minutes of 'Trainspotting.'  Right off the bat, you're like, "What the fuck language am I hearing? Where are the subtitles?" It sounds kind of familiar, but good luck making it out clearly. Might as well be speaking Farsi. Consider, too, how many words contain the letter 'S.' By the time a lisper has uttered one sentence, he or she is likely to have T.H.'d--a new verb I just invented--multiple times.  For instance, let's break down "for instance." For-in-th-tanth. 

Lisps are fucking funny, too. Someone could actually die laughing from listening to a lisper. Theriouthly. A life lost to the giggles, well, that's tho thad. Thruck down by an uncontrollable rethponthe. Once the laughter fades, the lisp effect starts to snowball. What was slightly noticeable in 5 seconds becomes stark ravingly incessant when given an entire minute. The occasional slurred 'S' piles up after a while. Pretty soon it's all you can hear. At that point, I liken it to torture. Thomebody'th gotta thop it or violenth will enthue.

And though this may cement my asshole status for all eternity, I can't trust someone who can't say 'trust.' Think about it: "Trutht me." You've got to be kidding. Now, if I may be excused, I've got some volunteering to do at a speech clinic as penance. Or should I say, "penanthe?"