Huge Tuesday Bodes Well for Miserable Wednesday, But Not For Me

With Super Tuesday and Fat Tuesday falling on the very same day, the Force is with politicos who enjoy consuming mass amounts of liquor and food. It's Nirvana. Voting delights you AND you have serious issues that, on any other day, are discouraged. Wow. You lucky SOB. Hope you don't have a heart-attack b/c of all the excitement. That would totally ruin your very own Nirvana. Fortunately the rest of us can have one without the other. Plenty of excitement to go around. But, as my mother says, don't go getting gay. (She means moderation not catching homosexuality.) Take it easy and you'll escape consequences. But getting gay is gonna get you hungover.

Tomorrow will bring 2 distinct hangovers:

1. Courtesy of the Fat Tuesday excess! Hey fat alcoholics! Listen up. Your body is pissed. That headache, that diareha, the dark circles around each eye your prooves your body isn't just pissed. She's also a mean bitch. Too much booze and rich food, most of which is all Southern and gumbo-y, good luck in the corporate bathroom! Ask HR to install seatbelts if necessary. Turbulence isn't pretty. Safety before pride.
   
2. Sleep deprived cranky nerds who stayed up all night to watch returns. Be nice. We're good people who need to care about local politics, too. Listen up morning show bitches: you don't count. If you're cranky there's no excuse. Meredith, Matt, Al and Ann, you too Gibson. I see your eye roll Diane and I know who's spoiled. Oh, almost forgot the ABC black lady who's got breast cancer. You get a pass on this one. The rest of you had better smile like you mean it. So a couple times a year you have to be up so you can be prepared for your pretty easy job. Sack it up. News personailities are also exempt. I mean you Russert. You're gonna have to give a quickie on the TODAY show. Secretly you get off on this shit and there's a LIVE TV danger about it. So what if you make some off-collar remark about Meredith's sandpaper looking ghoul face? You're just punchy. Dead on and punchy.

Super Tuesday really does for me. I do love me primary! Aw yeah. 22 states are voting tonight, hence Super Tuesday. James Carville and Mary Matalin are married b/c of nights like tonight. If you can't beat 'em, fuck 'em. Kidding. Strictly along party lines Republicans and Democrats alike can enjoy this evening. They're both gonna have winners. It may not be the exact candidate that they prefer, but it's still cause for hotness. Therefore I'll bet my student loan debt that those opposed theorists are getting it on this evening. Primary election night gets Carville hard. (I should but that on a t-shirt.) Sadly I am marking the evening solo in Oak Lawn, IL. Unsexy in anyone else's eyes, semi-hot in mine. I've got the necessities. Cable and survival food b/c I ain't sleeping til it's over. No Sleep 'Til Brooklyn! - sorry I mean 'Til They Call It! 2 liters of Coke Zero (calorie-free caffine), some frozen lasagna with meatsauce (Stouffer's b/c I am no peasant) and candy (sugar, oral fixation). Word.

Churchill's Pissed. I'm Just Very Surprised.

HEADLINE TODAY:

Quarter of Brits think Churchill was myth: poll

Sun Feb 3, 7:12 PM ET LONDON (AFP) - Britons are losing their grip on reality, according to a poll out Monday which showed that nearly a quarter think Winston Churchill was a myth while the majority reckon Sherlock Holmes was real.

The survey found that 47 percent thought the 12th century English king Richard the Lionheart was a myth.

And 23 percent thought World War II prime minister Churchill was made up. The same percentage thought Crimean War nurse Florence Nightingale did not actually exist.

Three percent thought Charles Dickens, one of Britain's most famous writers, is a work of fiction himself.

Indian political leader Mahatma Gandhi and Battle of Waterloo victor the Duke of Wellington also appeared in the top 10 of people thought to be myths.

Meanwhile, 58 percent thought Sir Arthur Conan Doyle's fictional detective Holmes actually existed. Precisely 100 percent of these fucking idiots said that evolution is true.

That last sentence is me. This news relieves me in special, intellectually superior ways. I've been worried that Americans are getting dumb and dumber, that we may be the most daft nation ever. For example we allowed ourselves to be hoodwinked by a mental midget with the initials G.W. yet no one said a word. More citizens will vote for 'American Idol' than for a candidate this Super Tuesday. CBS is the most watched TV network. I rest my case. Well, thankfully misery loves company! Welcome Redcoats!

Brits racked up bazillions of 'probably smart' points for years based on their accent. So, if one's accent has no bearing on intelligence, the reckoning is upon us. Let's hope the brain surgeon from Kentucky, the novelist from Louisiana, the info tech code programmer in Tennessee and the Rhodes scholar in Alabama (OK, that one doesn't exist) can benefit from this latest discovery. Twang away you leftover Confederates, you second generation segregationists, you who DO know the difference between shit and shine-o-la! Let everyone at Oxford & Parliament hear you. "Ye can go forth and suck it!"


One more thing: I am a petty, sad little person. This petty, sad little person thinks it's awesome the Giants won the Superbowl. Why do I delight in the Pats' failure? One name: Tom Brady. Two words: baby daddy. He knocked up Bridget Moynahan and broke up with her while she was pregnant so he could sink it with Giselle Bundchen. I hate him and I hope he has a hard time getting an erection now that he's a loser. 18-1 bitch. Again, sad and petty.