The Shan Speaks: Notes from the Small but Wise

Tuesday, June 10, 2008

Best Remake Ever: Attack of the Killer Tomatoes

Oh, for a muse of mother nature that would ascend the brightest heaven of invention! I've been struck by a brilliant idea. Since the source of a recent salmonella outbreak has been linked to certain tomato varieties, I believe it's time for a remake of the cult classic, "Attack of the Killer Tomatoes."  This time the tomatoes aren't super-sized gargantuan villains but just regular old tomatoes, yet killers nonetheless. These tomatoes don't even hunt to kill. They just get put on a sandwich or in a sauce and the carnage ensues. 

Imagine a horror movie who's most gruesome scenes take place in bathrooms? Although, from what I understand, salmonella manifests instantly, without warning. So the unsuspecting, tomato eating victim in the car on a Nevada two lane highway in sweltering midday sunshine is as out of luck as the Scotsman in the nastiest bathroom on earth (an homage to Trainspotting's incredible toilet oddessey) who thinks he's just experiencing heroin withdrawal. Au contraire my pale, strung-out junkie friend. Remember that all that tomato soup you lived on during your self imposed detoxification? Turns out it was made from tomatoes more dangerous than smack.

I've already scripted a scene where Jamie Lee Curtis eats a six pack of Activia's new V-8 yogurt. Her digestion goes from regular to super premium. 


posted by Shannon E. Ennis at Tuesday, June 10, 2008 | 0 comments


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