A Week in the 'Bu

Dear Mom,

Here are some pictures from my recent business trip to Malibu. As you'll see, I worked really hard.


Here I am admiring the ocean.


Look at what I bought you!

We at the Jakks Pacific New York Sales office are a happy family. Look. We're touching each other and smiling. No one is trying to push anyone off the cliff. Teamwork!

Later that night...

I went for a ride, alone. Try'na get me some peace...

...Caught up with a friend...

...And got busted. Again. END OF TRIP.

What are you trying to say?

"I don't think your girlfriend likes me." I feel compelled to say that to someone, b/c it's true, but it's just so awkward and pointless. I would prefer that the girlfriend in question just say, "Could you not piss on my fire hydrant?" That'd make it real easy for everyone involved. First, if some babe's girlfriend doesn't dig me b/c I'm a loud dork that's one thing, and I'd accept that. But if the chick is Crack is Whacked out enough to view me as 'threatening' than she should explode by the natural force of ludicrisocracy. I am obnoxious, not hot. No one will ever be drawn to me b/c of that dynamic duo. I mean...that'd be like if David Spade was tagging Heather Locklear or something like that.

A comedy club booker told me that I got invited to do a guest spot on his show b/c I have brains. I came right then and there. Flattery will get you to climax. Either yours or someone else's. Preferably (d'uh) both. Wait...is 'brains' a euphemism for tits?

LET ME BE VERY CLEAR: If you, the reader, are able to score tickets to tonight's 10th Anniversary performance of 'RENT,' featuring the entire original cast, I will do very specific things to earn back the cost of my admission. Also, if you can't get it up for tonight's show, Idina Menzel will be reprising her role as Elphaba in the London production of 'WICKED,' beginning this September. Ahem! Hotel + Airfare + WICKED ticket = Name your price. I hope that doesn't sound too vague.

Do I Look Fat?

I'll bet his bunny shit doesn't look like little pellets.

Whaaaaazzzzzaaaap, Children of God?

"For the last time, the Lord asked me to go with the 'hawk. If he wished that I pierce my taint, I'd do that, too. Faith without works is dead."

HEY LADIES!

I giggle everytime I read the word Shiites.

Juan was brilliant this morning. "My wife is the worst bitch in the world. My wife, who is a bitch, complain all the time. Very demmanding. Columbian girls? Very demmanding. I don't blame them."

All Signs to the Contrary

My roommate Fernando has left us for a coupla months. In the meantime, I'm guessing he supports my putting his room to good use while he's gone. If only the good people who are praying that I get laid before The Change had a little less time for PHOTOSHOP and a lot more telepathic power to persuade!

Thanks to Bob and Mark, my other "homies." One of these days it'll happen, guys. I'm pulling for me, too.